Giancarlo Stanton Kicks Off All-Star Festivities with TV-MA Performance

I know this is a Cubs-centric site, but it’s the All-Star break and the team in question didn’t have a whole lot going on Monday. Not that anything could have held a candle to the show Giancarlo Stanton put on for the fans in San Diego. All he did was hit 24, 17, and 20 dingers in the three rounds of the bracket-style competition to take home the crown with ease.

Stanton’s 61 homers had an average distance of 446 feet and average exit velocity of 111.9 mph. Yes, average. Even though ESPN frequently dumped the audio of the event due to some unsavory words, the Marlins slugger’s display was more than enough to merit a TV-MA rating for the otherwise family-friendly event.

Take this private interlude between Stanton and his bat, for instance.

I can just hear the producer yelling at his team to get the graphic up so as to shield innocent viewers from the sensual scene unfolding before them. So now we know that Giancarlo Stanton really loves his bat. Like, loves it loves it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Whether it was that intimacy with his equipment or just his Herculean strength, there wasn’t anything wrong with Stanton’s performance. Watching him hit was like binge-watching a great TV series on Netflix. It was exciting and entertaining and by the time it was over, you were tired and fulfilled and even a little sad. Actually, now that I think about it, that sounds kinda like…nah, never mind.

The Futures Game had plenty of highlights, a few of which were produced by Cubs farmhand Eloy Jimenez, but Stanton’s Derby heroics felt more like the official start of the All-Star festivities. Let’s just hope the game itself has even half the powerful attraction as what took place Monday night. Except, you know, without whatever it was Stanton was doing in that Vine.